Friday, February 11, 2011
It's Hard Having a Sibling with Special Needs
Yesterday when I picked Moo up from school she was very excited for me to open up her backpack, I found a puppy dog she made from cut out hearts, very cute! And a yellow envelope, she took the envelope out of my hand and pulled the report card out and handed it to me. My first thought was “argh why does a preschooler need a report card?” I knew it was good, her last report card had AC (accomplished) on everything except “Knows address” and when her brother found out he went to work drilling her on what her address was, so we know she has that covered. As I looked it over she was very excited and asked if I liked it, I told her that I was very impressed and gave her a high five.
I have to say that I really wasn’t all that impressed it was exactly what I expected, so as I drove home I was trying to figure out why a good report card for Moo didn’t give me excitement, as a good report card for her siblings would, am I a terrible mother for feeling this way? We try to treat all the kids equal and I have to tell you when you have a kid with ADHD and Asperger’s, and a kid with Epilepsy and Autism, and a kid that is NT treating them equal is HARD, but I imagine it’s hard for any family.
My mind goes back to when I was a kid and the resentment I felt with my brothers they were twins and a year older than me, they struggled with grades, and I didn’t. I remember feeling upset because they got praised more for their mediocre grades than I did for my good grades. I do remember when they passed the 8th grade and made it into the high school, as promised my mom bought them a stereo. Oh boy I had passed too but I did not get anything. I remember being so upset about it. there are a lot of “wounds” like this that have not begun to heal until now! Being a parent of children with special needs changes your perspective.
Maybe I am over thinking it a bit too much since she is only five, but I really need to make sure she doesn’t feel invisible like I did. How do you keep things equal? Any advice I can get on this is greatly appreciated.
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4 comments:
I read this with tears in my eyes. I can so relate. Right now, MA, it's fairly easy. Just be sure to give tons of praise. For all of them. Right now, Moo is pretty young. You can do it simply. What I do, is do it in privately. Buy her a special little trinket and let her know why you are doing it. Then...you can buy the others a special trinket at different times for 'trying really hard'...'getting the homework done on time'. The point is that make each of their time special at different times. That way, they have their 'own' reward...and if the other finds out, then you can remind them about 'their' reward.
Now that my M is 12 and L is 16, I struggle with this. I think that M is an overachiever, due to our struggles w/L. But I always try to spends special time w/her and LET HER KNOW WHY! Just the other day, I bought her and I a play ticket to see Mamma Mia. I told her in private, exactly why I did it...and asked her not to brag or 'talk' about it much as I didn't to hurt L's feelings. But, on the flip side, I do special things for L also. If he gets a "C"...I flip out!
I think the hardest of all is when "M" wants to...and does... put her report card on the refridg. I cringe, but she has every right to do so. soooo, I just cringe. :-)
For us, Anthony seems old enough to understand why Sami gets so much attention and praise. I'm sure it's hard on him, but we can usually talk it out. Elliot on the other hand isn't even 2 and he already has jealousy induced rage. My sister drew a comic about it. https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/2sPs6Tw5k-hKMPxRJJK4XPFPUAo2MR5Yv5rEofKs3s0?feat=directlink
This is a hard issue to address. I think just being aware of it means a lot. Each child has strengths and you need to keep those in mind and praise effort for their ability. Moo has an awesome sense of humor and a sweet outlook. I think if you offer each child praise/rewards for different things it decreases the jealousy. And, yes, do 1:1 with each when you are able...
MA, we have quite the opposite situation and maybe you can give me input. We have a 13 yo with Aspergers who is a super-hero of a son! Honor roll, super independent and trustworthy, all around as cool as they come. However, at the moment he lives in the shadow of his exuberant 2 yo brother who has better language and social skills than he did at probably around age 7. The toddler is quite the clown with an out-going personality and gets all of the praise and attention of those around him while my teen who has overcome so much quietly excells in his shadow. Sad, really, thank you for reminding me that these things need to be addressed on a daily basis! :)
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